What’s best for baby
Lots of strange things go through your head when you’re about to be a dad. I heard a tale of a guy who, in his wife’s final semester, went out and got CPR certified – just in case. For me, it’s a bit different.
I worry about lots of things. I worry about our daughter not having anyone to sit with at lunch in school. I worry about her learning to cross the street safely. I worry about her feeling short changed because her birthday will be so close to Christmas. I worry that one day, thinking I know what’s best, I will force her to do something she really doesn’t like at the expense of allowing her to do something she is truly passionate about.
I know that no matter what I do the day will come when I will disappoint her. And I don’t mean over something stupid, like not getting the trendy toy of the year. It will be later in her life, probably when she is a teenager. She will discover all on her own that I’m not perfect, that I’m fallible, that I’m not invincible. I know that day will make me sad.
I worry about the baby costing me so much money that I resent her. Like if she wrecks a car when she learns to drive. Right now, if someone wrecked my car I would be very upset and I would resent that person. I hope that won’t hold true with my daughter. I hope I will be able to forgive her quickly without excusing serious offenses.
I hope she’s like her mother: strong, smart, and capable of amazing compassion. I hope she enjoys playing sports and games for the sake of playing, without caring too much about the outcome. I hope she is coordinated, like her mother.
But do I want her to be like me? Perhaps that’s what I worry about the most. I would like her to enjoy building, painting, creating, writing and playing music like I do. But I hope that she doesn’t come with all of the side effects.
About three years ago I began suffering from what my doctor at the time identified as anxiety. Two years ago, after a better doctor encouraged me to see a therapist, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, which is kind of like Bipolar Disorder Lite. I’m so thankful for that diagnosis, as it allowed me to finally begin to understand how some of my favorite parts of my personality were related to some of my least favorite parts.
Leona has been wonderful and supportive. With her help, I am able to manage largely without any medication (Let’s not disqualify the merits of a well placed Xanax, okay?). A good diet, regular fitness and keeping somewhat of a regular schedule have made a big difference. My wife and friends not only put up with me, but help keep me on track as well.
I worry that my daughter might suffer from Bipolar Disorder too. I worry that I won’t recognize it. I worry that she might be ashamed of it and hide it, or try to deal with it all on her own. And while I want her to experience the highs – the feelings of invincibility, the euphoria, the joy of being productive and creative – I also want to protect her from the terrible, debilitating lows – the depression, the loneliness, the chronic exhaustion.
Maybe once she’s here all of these concerns will seem petty. Maybe the worry fades away. I don’t know. I hope so. Right now I feel like we’re in a holding pattern, just waiting for our daughter and knowing that our lives will change in amazing and huge ways, but not being able to anticipate how those changes will take shape.
I’m taking a break from the blog for a while. Maybe a long while.
December 1, 2009 at 10:05 am
Hey Matt,
I have to say that this was cute. It warms my heart to hear that you have all of the worries that come along at this time in the fatherhood journey. It means you are ready and willing to be the best Dad that you can be. The worries do not go away. ever. They just become dulled by the here and now. Once this lucky little girl is born, you will be so in love and so into meeting her every need that you will not have the time to worry. Your heart will be more filled with love than your head will be with worry. For me, it helps to just focus on the next 24 hours. Be the best parent you can be for the next 24 hours. If you find that you could have been better, work on it over the next 24.
Let’s face it, our parents weren’t perfect, their parents weren’t perfect, and so on…no one is perfect. The good news is: WE ALL TURNED OUT PRETTY WONDERFULLY!
Love you, Matt! Wish I was there to give you guys a hug and to reassure you that we will always be here if you ever need to talk or need some advice.
And I can say this with absolute confidence – YOU will be a WONDERFUL Dad! And your daughter will be very lucky to have you as her Daddy!
Much love to you and Leona!
xo
December 1, 2009 at 10:42 am
I am in awe of you as a human, my son, a husband to Leona, and a soon to be father. Perfectionism is overrated! I can’t say things about parenthood and your ability to be a parent any better than Judi did. I will always be there for you….
December 1, 2009 at 10:46 am
TOP TEN things your Dad used to worry about:
#10. Will they be normal?
#9. Will there be 10 toes and 10 fingers?
#8. Will there be enough $ for college?
#7. Will they be happily married?
#6. Will they be gainfully employed is a somewhat satisfying job?
#5. Will they want to do fun things with their Dad?
#4. Will their childhood have happy memories?
#3. Will they turn out to be pillars of society?
#2. Will they be there for each other?
#1. Will I be able to provide for them?
TOP TEN things you Dad still worries about:
#10. Will we ever live closer?
#9. Will the County offer retirement incentive program in 2010?
#8. Will Mom make that awesome lasagna again?
#7. Will Quin be the Pope someday?
#6. Will Matt like the HD camera? (cord is in the mail)
#5. Will I remember all Cait’s kids names?
#4. Will I be able to make beer/cheese soup and babysit again for Christmas mass?
#3. Will Mom be happy with her Christmas present? (which she picked out)
#2. Will we all get together in Hinsdale this summer?
#1. Will I ever make Mom as happy as she makes me?
December 1, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Aunt Judes nailed it….I love you too Matt
We are all here to support you and Leone in this journey! Plus – when its my time I wont hesitate to call ya! lol. You will be an amazing daddy 
December 1, 2009 at 3:33 pm
JK, typo….lol LEONA!
December 3, 2009 at 11:57 am
Your aunt rocks the house!!! She nailed what i was thinking for sure.
Matt – you and Michelle will be wonderful parents and I say that knowing how the two of you are together as a married couple. You love each other, you support each other, you are there for each other — just like you will do the same for your daughter. Kids do crazy things to your head. I worry about mine everyday. What if somebody breaks in and takes them, what if we get into a car accident, what if they are in a bad marriage, what if i dont approve of their spouse…..and the list goes on and on and on. The “what if’s” will drive you bananas. I’ve learned (like your aunt said) to take each day as it comes, to learn from my priors day experience and to be the best parent I can be at that moment in time. I will never be a perfect parent, I will make mistakes – but all i can do is hope that i raise my children to be good respectful children who turn into good respectful adults. You and Leona will do just fine. You will learn as you go. Take advice from others, but do what works best for YOU guys and YOUR daughter. She will love you, cause you’ll be an EXCELLENT father!!!!
December 5, 2009 at 12:34 pm
tears…you’ll be a great dad.
now, let’s get this boat cooking!
January 24, 2010 at 10:13 pm
Can your blogging break be over? i miss reading your blog. Maybe I’ll drive up and babysit so you can post or go out on a date with Leona and then post.