Things I think about after a few beers, home alone on a Friday night
- My dogs could totally kick your dogs’ asses. And I’m not talking about a little sissy doggy skirmish. I’m talking about a full on fight. Best of all, my dogs wouldn’t even realize that they got in a fight. They would tear your Bull Mastiff apart and think it was a mentally-challenged squirrel.
- Home Run Inn Meat Lovers Pizza is the greatest frozen pizza of all time. This is from Costco. This pizza lines up every other frozen pizza out there and makes them strip down naked and then laughs at them so hard that they go home and burn themselves in the ovens. That’s how good this pizza is. Bank on it.
- Sometimes when you want to let someone know that you know better than they do, that you are the authority on something and that they are not, BUT you don’t want to be TOO insulting, “biatch” is a really good word to use. Calling them an “asshat,” “numbnuts,” or “douchebag” is just a bit too much. “Biatch” (pronounced like “bee- yatch”) is basically like calling them a little bitch, but with a smile and a friendly pat on the shoulder. It’s firm, but not too condescending. Try it sometime, but not on your spouse!
- Brett Favre sucks at life. He is, in fact, an Asshat. He redefines asshatedness. I wish he would get in a fist fight with Ben Roethlisberger, because Big Ben would probably throw a Harley Davidson at him and be like, “What now, BIATCH?”
- I might put a lot of things in the wrong place, but nobody – and I mean NOBODY – unloads a dishwasher faster than I do. Eat it, Biatch.
- These new glasses make me look pretty good.
- “Criminal Minds” on A&E is like the greatest friggin’ show ever. Mandy Patinkin – I bet you are an awesome uncle. If I had Bill Gates Money, I would buy every season of Criminal Minds, put them into a computer or something, throw an A&E watermark on the corner, and just air them 24/7 in my house. For realsies, yo.
- My band is the greatest band in the universe. Also for realsies, yo.
Tags: beer
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September 22, 2009 at 10:12 pm
I am confused, your dogs can kick other dogs asses but they are afraid of a framed picture of Leona? I am not the authority “bee- yatch” but I am just say’in.