American Husbandry

“By the balls of Saint Nancy, no!  My favorite show got cancelled!”

That’s not me saying that, that’s you saying that.  Thus the quotation marks.  If I was saying it, there wouldn’t be any quotation marks.  Nonetheless, it’s that time of years when some shows go and get themselves cancelled, just in time for their cast and crew to wallow in self pity through the Holidays.

Because I know how much my opinion matters, I’m offering my two cents to this fall’s TV highlights and lowlights.  And I’m blatantly ignoring shows that I’m just not familiar with.

THE GOOD:

• Heroes is still the greatest show ever, even if the writers were basically phoning it in all season.  Weak plot lines and characters with stupid powers failed to derail this phenomenal show.  Hopefully in next week episodes some of the dumber heroes will die off and we’ll all eagerly await that first episode of 2009.
• Trueblood is the only reason I haven’t canceled HBO.  This show is awesome.  Vampires and mind readers and blood and guts and drinking and even the occasional boob or two.  This show follows Entourage and makes those lame little sally-pants girls look like the true lame little sally-pants girls that they are.  If you don’t have HBO, buy season one of this as soon as it comes out.
• NHL Center Ice was the greatest investment we have made since we got married.  Watching Jordan Staal make the Redwings look like the cast of Mighty Ducks Two was definitely one of the highlights of 2008.
• Summer Heights High – This mockumentary about a highschool in Australia is awesome and funny.  It’s funny because in Australia, their minorities aren’t the same as our minorities here! And yet gay drama teachers and bitchy private school chicks are exactly the same.  Hmmmm….

OKAY SHOWS

• CNN’s debate coverage was good because the graphics on the side and at the bottom kept me entertained while McCain talked.  “My friends, fundamental difference between Senator Obama and myself.  Maverick.  Blah blah blah blah blah, my face is made of silly putty.”
• Biggest Loser – While the concept of the show is good, I can’t understand why they take a one hour show and stretch it out to two hours, especially when the moral of the story is get off your ass and do something.  Thank God for DVR and the ability to fast forward through commercials and that bitchy, satan-looking woman.

SHOWS NOT WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOOSE TURDS

• Chuck – No, it’s not new, but yes, it does suck.  A more accurate depiction of the geeks at the electronics store would put about a half dozen of them on a bench in the parking lot smoking cigarettes while I can’t figure out the damn price on a stupid memory card and why the hell don’t you carry any CDs from the 90s?
• Fringe – If you’ve watched more than one episode of this schlock-fest, you’ve realized that they follow the same formula.  In every episode, the “phenomena” has previsouly been researched by the crazy scientist and his partner, who owns the giant mega corporation.  It’s just boring.  And the lead actress is NOT that good.  I understand she’s not from the US, but her attempt at not having an accent (or having an American one, depending on your perspective) fails to convince.
• My own worst enemy – not even worth proper capitalization.  Christian Slater would have better luck doing Nicholson impersonations somewhere in Vegas.
• Sarah Chronicle Files – You’d think it’d be awesome with the robots and the guns and the hotties.  Even Brian Austin Green proves that there can be life after 90210 if you actually aren’t a toolbox.  And although I watched this all last season, somewhere along the way I just realized that I would rather do the dishes than watch that show.  Thanks, Fox, for ruining the Terminator franchise for me.
• Toyota commercials – I will not buy a Toyota, ever.
• The Today Show – Oh, let’s see what they’re interviewing Drew Peterson about today!  Oh, let’s see whose skin Meredith is trying to get under this morning!  Here’s a hint: it’s mine.  Thank you, Good Morning America, for consistantly reporting soft, feel good news that I can enjoy and leaves me thinking that America will always be the best at everything.  Ignorance is bliss!