Double standards

Posted October 29, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

I’m not bitching about my wife here, but I have come to notice a few double standards around our household that strike me as ridiculous.  Like any healthy marriage, we have our share of disagreements, arguments, and failed communication.  What’s that have to do with the double standards?  Maybe nothing, maybe everything.

First up, let’s visit my favorite room in the house: the bathroom. Leona keeps a little glass in there, for drinking water or Listerine.  I’ve been fighting this miserable cold for about a week and had brought up a glass that I set out with some cold medicine, so that in the middle of the night I wouldn’t have to dig around through the cabinets for it.

Leona’s glass has been there for months.  I took it downstairs once and put it in the dishwasher, thinking I was being a help.  I got scolded. How dare I!

My glass lasted about 22 hours before I got scolded for that too.  Now I know that maybe I also had some Benadryl out too, but that’s not the point.  The double standard here is that she is supposed to have her glass there, and I’m not allowed to have one.

Next up we have our lovely Dyson.  Loyal readers know I love to vacuum with that thing.  And I know the drill – run the Dyson, wrap the cord back up, and put it back where it goes in that weird corner in the kitchen.  I follow that rule.

Leona used it to vacuum the baby’s room the other day (about an hour after I already vacuumed the Baby’s room, but that’s a different story). Three days later she caught me – heaven forbid – wrapping up the cord to put the thing away. “What are you doing?”

In the car, when Leona’s driving the rule is that the driver picks the music.  When I’m driving, the rule is that the passenger picks the music.  What’s up with that?  So what if I like awesome rap and acid jazz?  So what if I put the two on a mix CD together?  Play fair! That’s all I’m asking!

So here the double standard is that I have to put things away when I’m done with them, and Leona does not.

Now I know the facts here: I am a slob, I am lazy, and the Yankees suck.  Nobody is disputing any of that. Rules are made to have exceptions, and I married Leona because she is exceptional in every way. I know I have tons of leeway in other areas. I just think that there’s some irony about some of these double standards.

I’d love to hear some other examples, if anyone wants to offer them up.

Comments: 1 Comment

A slightly memorable mistake

Posted October 25, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I’ve been sick for about a week. It’s not the flu. I don’t have a fever. I’ve just been stuffed up and coughing.

To get to bed, I’ve been relying on a combination of Nyquil and Vick’s Vapo Rub. It seems to get me to sleep. Last night I made a bit of a mistake.

After smearing my chest, neck, arms and ears with Vick’s, I peed. But without washing my hands in between. Yikes!

Climbing in to bed I noticed a bit of a tingling and Leona and I had to laugh about it. But not for too long – the Nyquil kicked in pretty quick.

Comments: 1 Comment

Where I’ve been this week

Posted October 23, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized

I’ve been sick.  I didn’t want to do anything, so no updates.

But, we’ve got another song over on the band website: www.thesessionists.com. Check it.

Comments: Be the first to comment

Sports: live vs. tv

Posted October 19, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

I like sports, but I’m lazy about it.  I like sports from the sofa.  Sometimes I can’t even imagine suffering through a live sporting event when you’re actually attending the event.

I’m sitting here tonight enjoying yet another post-season Phillies game.  i have some friends at the game in Philly.  I’m sure it’s fun and all that, but how the hell do you keep track of what’s going on?  I mean, without these guys on the TV telling me important things, I wouldn’t know any of the important things.  And honestly, it’s the important things that make sports worthwhile.  Things like stats.  If I didn’t know how many times this manager spit on the ground when there are two outs in an inning that’s also a prime number, I would probably just fall asleep.

Also I hate parking.  And walking.  So the whole idea of going to a sporting event where I have to park and then walk is pretty unappealing to me.

I hate assholes, and there are lots of assholes at live sporting events.  Although sometimes I’m the asshole, like that time I was at the HSBC arena watching the Sabre’s play the Rangers yelling from the upper level, “Lindros you SUCK!” at the top of my lungs.

I also enjoy the pause button the DVR.  It’s great for those situations like the this-play-could-be-important-but-I-really-gotta-poop.  Or the if-the-score-here-I’m-gonna-wish-I-had-a-full-beer.

Beer is another reason against going to events.  It’s like $12.75 for a Budweiser.  That crap is barely even beer to begin with.  And then I have one, and then I get all yawny.  And then I have to pee and I get all the performance anxiety in the men’s room, making peeing an excruciating experience that leaves me wrought with self doubt and feelings of ineptitude.

At home, I can drink some fancy-pants microbrew (currently Michelob) and pee in the comfort of my own bathroom/utility sink/back yard.

I would rather watch something on TV than live.  I think there are a few exceptions (January 11, when I go cheer on the Penguins as they destroy the Wild here in St. Paul; and also free tickets, duh), but for the most part it comes down to the ability to pee without crying.

Comments: 2 Comments

Pregnancy takes too long

Posted October 13, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Pregnancy takes too long.  Too damn long.  Leona’s been pregnant for like two years at this point.  Enough already!  Let me meet my kid!

We’ve got two months of this stuff left, and it’s not looking good.  She can barely put her shoes on.  I got home tonight from band practice and she said, “I think I spilled something on my pants.  But I can’t see to be sure.”  And we have two months left.

It’s not like we’re sitting around ready for this baby.  We’re not.  The shower was this weekend and we got tons of great gifts.  We sorted through most of it.  But now we have to wash the little miniature clothing and put it in the drawers, and make the bed, and hang the paintings up, and get rid of the old bookshelf in that room, and find a new rug, and blah blah blah the list goes on forever.

Despite all the to-dos left on our to-do list, we’re ready.  Let this little thing show up tomorrow.  No more of these crazy shapes on my wife’s stomach moving around like living play-doh while I’m trying to watch football on Sunday.  No more, “Sorry honey, the baby has gas” when I’m woken up in the middle of the night to what at first appears to be a chemical attack.

And, perhaps most surprisingly, no more sweets!  Between the pies, apple crisps, brownies, ice cream, cookies… I think I may need a break.  I don’t want fruit (let’s not be crazy). But I’d love to just drink some booze with my wife again.  And then do things that happy drunken couples do together…like pass out watching Happy Gilmore.

Comments: 7 Comments

Carpet Shampooer

Posted October 5, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I broke Leona down this weekend and we bought a carpet shampooer.  She would be mad if I told you how disgusting the carpet was, so instead I will tell you about how awesome it is.

This thing is totally friggin’ awesome.  I ran it over the dining room area rug, which used to be the living room area rug.  I ran it three times, once with soap and twice just on rinse.  Oh man, this thing is awesome.

I while back I wrote about my love affair with our Dyson.  Now, I’m in love with our Bissel.  I will probably be choosing a different area rug each weekend and just shampooing the heck out of it for weeks to come.

My excuse in buying it was that I need clean carpets for the baby, of course.  But it’s more than that.  I need to feel the steam from the machine, I need to see that water getting sucked up through the little water-sucking-channel into the tank.  I need that sense of accomplishment that comes with dumping that filthy awesome water down the drain.

The way I look at it, it could be much worse.  A husband who enjoys vacuuming and cleaning the carpets is a whole lot better than, say, a husband who spends two nights a week out pretending to be in a rock band.

Oh.  Wait a minute.

Comments: 1 Comment

Things for the baby registry

Posted September 29, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

You all know we’re registered at Target, right?  Good.

There are several things that I would like to add to the baby registry that I’m told simply wouldn’t be appropriate. So here’s my list:

I’d like to add toys for the dogs, because once this beautiful baby arrives I’m going to neglect them.  It’s true – I saw it in Lady And The Tramp. Disney never lies.

I’d like to register for a carpet steamer because we have dogs, carpets, and pretty soon a baby.  And baby’s do their thing on the ground, with their mouth open and drippy.  I just think it would be cleaner.

I’d really like a mitre saw with a telescoping arm on it for cross-cutting 2X10s.  And also a chainsaw.  These things are awesome, and I want to be an awesome dad.

I think we should register for a banjo.  My guitar playing skills are known worldwide and I think it’s time for a banjo.  A banjo would allow me to learn Rainbow Connection, which is a lovely song that I would like to sing to Princess Ninja Lukens (or whatever we call her).

I would like to register for a 1.5 of Johnny Walker black.  For when the baby starts teething.

Leona and I would like Pittsburgh Penguins jerseys.  Nothing says, “I give up!  I’m a parent and I’ll never be cool again!” quite like wearing a sports jersey while pushing a stroller through the Mall of America.  I can’t wait!

It’s 8:15 am.  I should probably get ready for work now.

Comments: 3 Comments

Bandwagon Time

Posted September 21, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

It’s that time of year when I find it oh so easy to jump on the bandwagon.  Which bandwagon?  It doesn’t even really matter.

I’m really talking about sports here.  Baseball and football but, to a lesser degree, tennis as well.

The month of August is historically known for having horrible television programming.  In fact, in ancient Greece, people used the month of August to relax and often the only Greek Tragedy you could see at their theaters were just reruns of old Greek Tragedies packed with actors who had long ago whithered up.

So now, when I want to enjoy my adventure time after Leona goes to bed and I have the remote to myself, the pickin’s are slim.  I’m pretty sure I’ve already seen every episode of Law and Order, Law and Order: SVU, Law and Order: Criminal Intent and Law and Order: Really? Another One?

But these drama duldrums match up in perfect time with several fine, televised sporting trends, nicely filling in my televisions primetime gap.

First, we have baseball.  Typically I find baseball to be the second most boring sport in the world, next to golf.  Watching it on tv is excruciating.  Many Americans would rather go to the dentist.  But at this time of year, something happens.  The stars all align.  With nothing better to watch on TV, baseball seems pretty enticing.  Add to that things like the “Wild Card Chase,” and there are suddenly legitimate, justifiable reasons to watch.

I haven’t given a crap about baseball since the season started back in January or February or whenever it started.  But now, I suddenly find myself interested in both the Phillies – as they try to repeat their success from last year with the addition of two powerful pitchers to their roster – and the Twins – who somehow, despite hating to win and also having History’s Most Inconsistant Pitchers – are only 4.5 games back of something for the something or other.  I’m a bit foggy on the details for the Twins, but 4.5 games back seems attainable, so I watch them.

Meanwhile, we have the NFL starting up.  And although Preseason has all the meaning of Waiting for Godot (too much for you, readers?), there are still reasons to watch.  Especially in Minnesota, where our new quarterback Paris Hilton, Father Time, Brett Favre is stirring up quite the contraversy.  First, because he sucks.  Second, because last week in their preseason game T. Jack was WAY better than Favre.  Third, because he’s a media whore.  Fourth, becasue this morning ESPN reported that he’s not well liked in the locker room (or my living room).

The NFL keeps it interesting with guys like Plaxico Burress, going to prison for two years for shooting himself in the leg, Michael Vick, who led dogfighting events, Ben What’shisburger, accused of sexual assault, the Manning Brothers, endor$ing everything in $ight.  And also that guy Sanchez, the new QB for the Jets, a rookie, who when asked what questions he has for the coach listed, “do I have to wear dress shoes on the bus.”  Awwww… how cute!

Anything is better than watching Mariah Carey host America’s Got Talent.

Comments: Be the first to comment

Something to listen to

Posted September 20, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized

www.thesessionists.com

My band recorded a new song.  Head on over to our website, take a listen, and let us know what you think. Thanks!

Comments: 2 Comments

Things I think about after a few beers, home alone on a Friday night

Posted September 18, 2009 by lukens
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:
  • My dogs could totally kick your dogs’ asses.  And I’m not talking about a little sissy doggy skirmish.  I’m talking about a full on fight.  Best of all, my dogs wouldn’t even realize that they got in a fight.  They would tear your Bull Mastiff apart and think it was a mentally-challenged squirrel.
  • Home Run Inn Meat Lovers Pizza is the greatest frozen pizza of all time.  This is from Costco.  This pizza lines up every other frozen pizza out there and makes them strip down naked and then laughs at them so hard that they go home and burn themselves in the ovens.  That’s how good this pizza is.  Bank on it.
  • Sometimes when you want to let someone know that you know better than they do, that you are the authority on something and that they are not, BUT you don’t want to be TOO insulting, “biatch” is a really good word to use.  Calling them an “asshat,” “numbnuts,” or “douchebag” is just a bit too much.  “Biatch” (pronounced like “bee- yatch”) is basically like calling them a little bitch, but with a smile and a friendly pat on the shoulder.  It’s firm, but not too condescending.  Try it sometime, but not on your spouse!
  • Brett Favre sucks at life.  He is, in fact, an Asshat.  He redefines asshatedness. I wish he would get in a fist fight with Ben Roethlisberger, because Big Ben would probably throw a Harley Davidson at him and be like, “What now, BIATCH?”
  • I might put a lot of things in the wrong place, but nobody – and I mean NOBODY – unloads a dishwasher faster than I do.  Eat it, Biatch.
  • These new glasses make me look pretty good.
  • “Criminal Minds” on A&E is like the greatest friggin’ show ever.  Mandy Patinkin – I bet you are an awesome uncle. If I had Bill Gates Money, I would buy every season of Criminal Minds, put them into a computer or something, throw an A&E watermark on the corner, and just air them 24/7 in my house. For realsies, yo.
  • My band is the greatest band in the universe. Also for realsies, yo.

Comments: 1 Comment